feelings on time

IMG_2548Everytime I watch one of my favorite British tv series (Larkrise to Candleford is definitely one of my most favorite--I've literally watched the entire series at least 33 times or more!), I am overwhelmed with nostalgia. Living among a small community before the turn of the 20th century, yes life was much slower obviously then today (understatement). Yes, it's a tv show where there is conflict but it resolves. And life could have been harsh among the poorer folks who live in the tiny hamlet of Larkrise compared to the bustling little town of Candleford. But I find myself so torn. Where have those days gone when I was little and I could literally remember when I had nothing, absolutely nothing to do . . . and I got BORED. Remember that word? BORED. Amazing. Yes, I will tell my son someday that I grew up without digital phones, the internet, and special effects. I "remember" when all this phenomenal technology literally changed our lives. I lived through the dot com and where people actually would ask what is "www?" or email? What is that! And I remember when in 2003 Apple came out with the "mini" with black and white screens at first (I still have my original mini!) and all it did was play a list of songs . . . digitally!

It's so sad actually. My kid will not grow up so bored out of his mind that he has to figure out how to entertain himself. I remember days when I would be so bored I would literally just sit outside or stare out the window. I loved storms in the middle of the night and would wake up so excited when a wicked storm would thunder through our neighborhood like a train and watch the thrashing of the trees, bending to the will of powerful invisible wind whistling and rattling my window panes. It gave me a thrill to my bones to witness when I was little.

I would also skip an invitation to the movies to just lay in the middle of our living room when no one but myself was at home. And play my parents massive stereo (cause in the 90's we had massive speakers not small tiny things that hardly weight a pound!) full blast with my favorite classical/choral music, Henry V soundtrack by Patrick Doyle. Man did I love those powerful songs. If I ever felt low or depressed I would lay on the carpet floor and close my eyes and listen intently and also sing along when I felt like it! Then I would cry and cry, the emotions overwhelming me until I finally fell asleep exhausted.

I miss that time, literally. Time would pass slowly, patiently. Never frenzied and hectic. I truly did live in the moment. And I miss that so terribly it actually hurts in my gut. I hate how this past winter has was so hectic I hardly could breathe I felt the weird push and pull between the monotony of everyday life but how rapidly weeks would go by and I felt completely rushed all the time. . . "BEHIND" never catching up! Never!

Candleford is another favorite series of mine with Judi Dench and there would be scenes of letter-writing or reading for hours by candlelight. The time it took to make decisions was respected. Now yes, there were characters who loved each other for decades and finally made a "decision" to get married after years and years wasted. It was too much time. But the depiction of sitting with decisions, letting it percolate, meditate on the right and wrong and each time really trying to make the best decision (whatever that may be) was what the day was made of! An entire DAY or more perhaps, spent on making up one's mind about a particular issue or relationship problem, etc.

And that's definitely what I've felt this past Mercury Retrograde which was such a dousy for me. I felt major decisions taken out of my hands and made "overnight" has been one of the most frustrating processes of me to just sit back, sigh, let out all my immediate emotions over the matter, but settle into making the decision for myself. Time is such a weird mechanism in our lives - ESP our Western lives. We are slaves to the clock. Slaves. Envy those unique souls that can escape it.

And that's only one reason why I love my British tv series! I guess it's always good to be reminded of what was seemingly lost, to realize in that moment, you have always had it. Perhaps I should relish in my time spent even writing this post. Reflection is precious.