Today ended up being amazing. Another day where my 17-month old stayed home - yesterday was sick with some kind of stomach flu so we definitely took it easy. Today he felt way better but still stayed home to make sure. It ended up being a 77 degree, super squeaky sunny day, blue, cloudless sky. The first real warm sun of spring hinting of summer finally. I took Grant to our favorite park, Queeny, to walk the afternoon away. No schedule. No time commitments. No rush. All the time in the world. Grant immediately fell right asleep to the rhythm of the stroller and the birds chirping. Yummy quiet and solitude. I haven't felt this happy in months. My mind emptied and I finally am feeling the beginnings of a renewal, thawing my heart as well.
The past couple months have been a rollercoaster--a lot of hurt and pain caused by people closest to us. Closed doors have become a regular occurrence. And just in the prime of life where you feel kind of stagnant, the kind of questions unearthing major disturbances in your very core of the big why's - Why is this happening? Why now? What am I missing? Why the hurt? the confusion? How could I have seen this coming? (you never can of course). And how can those that you love hurt you and be so self-centered? (because we are all yearning for our happiness).
Today was bliss. Pure bliss. No work, no customers calling, no "must's," "should's" and "have to do's." No work fires to put out. No stress. No nothing but the luxury of the immediate moment, being grateful for the here and now. No worries but enjoying every precious moment with my little one in the bright sunshine.
I really, really needed this day. Definitely nostalgic in that I wish every day could be this laid back. Of course the response to this is that there's no way you'd appreciate it if every day was like this. But . . . you wonder, wouldn't I?
It truly is a walking meditation. All these ideas flood through me, the renewed inspired thought pours out, trickling, then streaming, then flooding me. But I am not overwhelmed yet with pure adulation for life again. That has slowly seeped out of me these past several months. I find it every day with my son, that has been my life-line. But I realize I have lost that special soul connection to life itself these past months. Lost a little faith in the Universe. Doubtful of Divine Love. These events lately hasn't left me destitute or devastated, but slowly emerging from a new awakening that either I slide into a depressive state, or grasp at these days to find renewal. Slowly re-evaluating my faith in Love, the Universe, and its abundance.