spring is here finally!

Today was exactly what I needed. The second day in a row here in St. Louis above 60 degrees. After a stretch of bitter cold for the past 5-6 weeks, obviously this is such a relief to know that spring is probably here - if not right around the corner. I was able to at least write in my journal for 15 minutes this afternoon and finally took my son on a walk at the local park. It's definiately not "beautiful" yet -- everything is still very brown with no promise of the new green peeking through the forests. The ponds still have ice frozen on them and the ground is extremely muddy and gray. BUt it didn't matter at all. Those few moments of reflection, space to think and try to gain a sense of centerness and newness. Spring . . . there's a reason why so many artists and musicians have been so inspired by this special season. New beginnings. Damn. New beginnings doesn't always bring this sweet, beauty of promise. Sometimes new beginnings are raw, gritty, vulnerable and scary.

Following a new year, it always feels like there is such optimistic, so much promise and expectation that this will be the best year of your life. I felt I needed that space to stop and reflect and I did. I realized, quite pessimistically, that last year was not great. Set aside the greatest achievement of my life (which is no small thing whatsoever!), the birth of my son and taking care of him in those precious first months of his life, everything else in my life was full of frustration, hurt and disappointment. I honestly felt realigning my thinking would help position me to embrace this coming year as "different."

Boy was I about to be rocked to my core just days after I thought I had hit some ground! In a matter of 2 weeks, my business aspirations, with one of my good friends that we had been "working on" for over 2 years, completely unraveled before my eyes. And I felt completely out of control the entire time--like I was on some roller-coaster and couldn't get off. My emotions overwhelmed me. It wasn't my decision - nothing had been my decision, I felt it was all her decision and her family's. It was extremely bewildering and I still am working through feeling hurt. But in this process--because it is a process--I am facing some core beliefs and weaknesses about myself that I have either ignored, or been in denial or perhaps did not see. And I am seeing myself face to face.

New beginnings. It sometimes is not pretty at all. Especially when you feel yourself most vulnerable. My husband, we have been together since we were 16 and we are facing another "new beginning" moment in our lives as well. Long talks and discussions between us over weeks and weeks, have peeled back many layers, revealing some truths but mostly shaking questions: are we still supposed to grow together? Is there enough love between us to get past these seemingly great obstacles to see what's more important about our lives? Or is there not? Do we feel like we missed out? Made the right choices? We are so different in our interests, can we grow older together and feel like we are still a part of each other's lives? Are we just together because we now have a son? Did we both "settle?"

Questions, questions, questions. I don't have answers at all right now. And that's ok. Right now, I just have these precious moments with my son to enjoy and a day like this - perhaps not a "perfect" day yet by any means--the breezes are still cool, the sun not warm enough, the scenery not pretty enough, still very much wintery. But the promise is there. I hold to that promise. And hope that I have the courage to become who I very much want to be.

new beginning

I hardly have any words to say what has happened over the past few days. (The aftermath of one hell of a Mercury Retrograde!!!). Your'e on a path, or you think you are on a path—you dream big, even huge sometimes and in your mind you can go to places you never dreamed of. But the reality is hard. You wait, wait, wait, wait and more waiting. You become bogged down by inertia, self-doubt and uber frustration. And you can stuff as many “positivisms” in your head to get you up out of the frustration but it pulls you back down in the muck—like black tar you can’t get rid of. And then after it all seems to be possibly put back in place and you have a high of “this is happening! this could happen! this could really be real - it feels great,”—suddenly there’s the last straw that broke the camel’s back and it completely crumbles, falls apart and unravels before your very eyes. And you think, “what the hell happened?" Over the past two years, one of my closest friends and I were trying to build a company together online. It was to be the foundation of a great partnership and it had a lot of high hopes. We envisioned big, then bigger, then even bigger until it became too scary. And it doesn’t wasn’t meant to be—at least right now in this form. And circumstances changed.

There are no hard feelings so to speak after this aftermath but we definitely both feel like we’ve gone through the ringer. I told my husband through tears of disbelief it’s like breaking up in a relationship! You plan and plan and plan your future together . . . and then one day without warning, one of the partner’s says this isn’t working and I’m done!

BUT. In the wake of a seeming crappy situation, the core ideas we shared are still gold. And if I can brush off the appearance of mud and wipe off and examine what I already know I have inside myself, I can see that this is just a realignment. The core ideas of our business was always to find a way to support a creative community and BE CREATIVE OURSELVES.

And after so much waiting and waiting and waiting on things to happen and get going, what has been crystal clear to me is that you can’t wait on anyone — YOU have to put your head down and DO THE WORK. YOURSELF. Rely on no one else but YOU. And if YOU have a passion, if YOU have a vision, if YOU have a feeling that you have a gift to give, then YOU have to DO IT. Step by step by step.

It seems SO freakin obvious. But you never learn until you go through it. I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of waiting on other people who haven’t delivered and said they would and they never did. I’m scared to go out on my own. I loved the partnership and support. But this is awful wasting away thinking that you’ve done nothing and you feel like you have so much potential.

We both have learned a great deal — and most of it is what not to do, which is still extremely valuable. But now, with as little risk as possible, I start my own future one step at a time.

I’m a painter. I know I’m a painter, and I’m good at it. But I haven’t painted in almost 2 years since my son was born and efforts to start this business took priority. SO this blog post if of course for myself —get back in that studio and PAINT!! Find the time and paint! Even if it’s just 30 minutes at a time. And do the work. The work will pay off. The work will show promise and find opportunities. But it has to be the work otherwise you have nothing but ideas and dreams.

A new beginning.